But not with who you might think.
The world, the media, the attorneys, and even our favorite sit-coms have us believing that marriage is supposed to be a constant battle between spouses.
Yes, marriage is a battle, but the world, and the devil, wants us to keep our eyes on the wrong opponent! As husbands and wives, we are supposed to be fighting, just not with each other. We’re supposed to be fighting together against the very things that tell us otherwise.
Most anyone that has been to a wedding has heard the phrase “the two shall become one flesh…and let no man separate what God has joined together.”
Jesus told us these things not to imply we somehow become one living blob, thinking and doing exactly as each other does, but to first, share that marriage joins a man and woman together to be better and stronger than they were apart or, in other words, “the sum is better than the whole of its parts…”
Secondly, he noted that God joined us together and, in that powerful union, we have the responsibility to not let man, or the world, or satan, tear us apart. We’re supposed to fight together against the enemy, not fight each other for the enemy.
Understanding that truth, lets jump into three thoughtful, yet simply “knowledge bombs” you can use to improve your fighting skills to defend and strengthen your marriage.
We’ve all heard that phrase before, although originally coined for the computer world, the same can be said of our minds…how you view and relate to your spouse can be directly related to everything that has been poured into your brain over the course of your life. Whether it was an experience beyond your control, or something of your own doing, it all affects the lenses through which you view your relationships, especially your marriage.
Maybe you didn’t have a great example of a Godly marriage growing up, maybe you had your heart broken too many times to bear, or maybe you opened yourself up to indulging in things that distort the truth about yourself, your spouse, and marriage in general…regardless, of what it may be, the health of your marriage is related to these things.
So, if there are areas of your marriage that need improvement, but you still find yourselves stuck and can’t quite figure it out what to do, take some time for reflection. Be honest with yourself and see if there isn’t something that has happened, or that you’ve done (or are still doing) that is affecting how you are perceiving life and that particular situation. If you can’t quite put your finger on it, consider getting some outside help, like an accountability partner, or a Christian Coach or Counselor…someone that has the right belief system and some more tools to help you work through the problem. Remember, there is no shame in your game if you are truly working to make your marriage better.
Romans 12:2 - 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Do you find yourself regularly thinking about how grateful you are for your spouse and all that you have, even when things aren’t going “according to plan,” or are you a negative, “glass half empty,” kind of person?
Although largely based on your mindset, a bad attitude can also be habitual. Maybe you didn’t start off as a “negative Nellie” but over time, it seemed to be thought pattern that you settled into. Perhaps due to a string of disappointments or, maybe just due to you finding it’s easier to “fall than fight.” Whatever the reason, your bad attitude is something that, with some focus and attention, you can transform into an attitude of gratitude.
Most of us have heard that it takes an average of 21 days to change or start a new habit (some a little longer and some a little shorter). Regardless of how long it takes, we can all commit to making small, daily, regular changes that, over time, will have a “ginormous” positive snowball effect on our outlook on life and our marriage.
For starters, you can make a list of daily affirmations about your wife and your marriage that you can recite out loud for a few minutes every morning (If you aren’t quite sure about where to begin, you can find a sample of them on the Three Cord Marriage member’s community page in the downloads from the Vision for Your Marriage course). Even if you don’t feel them at first, what you’ll discover is that over time, you’ll notice that the words you say (and it’s important that you say them loud enough for you to hear them) begin to become the words you feel. The key here is regular, intentional practice.
Romans 10:17 - 17 So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Ultimately, no matter what you think, marriage isn’t about what you get, it’s about what you give…to have a servant’s heart, not to expect to be served…to be the least, not the most…
When you got married, did you believe that your happiness and contentment in your marriage would be based on what your spouse did for you? If so, you’re not alone. The devil would have us believe that our matrimonial bliss is the result of our spouse's service to us. Why? Because when we believe our happiness is from external sources, we are always destined to be disappointed. And more than that, the main reason satan wants us to think our marital success comes from our spouse is because that thinking is contrary to God’s word.
Truth be told, God’s truth, is that our purpose in marriage isn’t to receive, but to give. Wives are to give their husband’s respect, and husbands are to give their wives love and, if necessary, their lives.
A thriving marriage is firmly rooted in the selfless, giving nature of Christ. After all, as Jesus tells us, it is more blessed to give, than to receive (Acts 20:35).
So, if you find that you often get frustrated with your spouse because they don’t give you “what you need to feel happy,” battle that worldly view with a heavenly approach and do what Jesus did…become the least, and give to love, don’t give to get!
Mark 9:35 - 35 And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, “If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.”
So, battle for your marriage, not in your marriage, with these three simple truths, and find Victory in your marriage.
In The Fight Together!
I’m dying to be the perfect husband….sounds like the same cry of anticipation we’ve all made when we’re really excited about doing or achieving something. I’m dying to go on my vacation, I’m dying to go get my new car, I’m dying for my team to make the playoffs…
So many times, we’ve used this expression of excitement and anticipation to describe how we feel about something that we deeply desire to have, achieve, experience…
But as husbands, in order to truly be as close to “perfect” as we can, we need to move beyond the feeling of wanting to be the best and move into the doing of those things the Perfect One told us we need to do to be the best!
So if you’re dying to be the perfect husband, you need to start dying to be the perfect husband!
Let’s take a quick look at the areas we need to start dying.
In case you haven’t noticed lately, the world wants us to believe what is right is wrong, and what is wrong is right!...(By the way, y’all, the Bible tells us this would happen Isaiah 5:20)…
Culture today would have us believe that “I am more important than anyone else,” that marriage is a disposable agreement, and that if I am married to “the one” then they will make my happy…
Nothing could be further from the truth!
The reality in all of this is the world’s take on marriage is exactly opposite of what real marriage is!
In order to become the husband you were created to be, you need to first, empty yourself of the ideas the world holds about marriage and fill yourself with what the creator of marriage has to say about it…God’s word is where you will find that truth…
Easier said than done, right? Well, like anything worth doing (and believe me, this is worth doing) it’ll take hard work and discipline!
If you’re anything like I was, you’ve probably had more of the world shape your views on marriage and relationships, than you’ve had God. Since you were a child, your life experiences, good and bad, have shaped your mindset and behavior toward marriage…divorce, abuse, neglect, are all things we experience that cause us to put up walls and impact how we treat and connect with our wife.
But I’m here to tell you from experience, you can renew your mind by intentionally focusing on God and changing how you let the world impact you.
Hey, I’ve got news buddy, you’re not the most important person in the room…in fact, if you are thinking about yourself throughout the day more than anyone else, you need to snap out of it.
Self-centeredness and selfishness (and at its extreme, narcissism) is one of the most destructive forces in a marriage. I know because I almost let it destroy my marriage!
When we get married, the bible tells us that “two become one flesh” (Gen 2:24). In other words, the me now becomes we.
And since God was kind enough to join us with our helpmate, every decision should be about what is best for you AND your wife, not just you.
We’re also created to be servant leaders, as we see in John 13:12-17 when Christ washed the disciples’ feet. Our role as husbands is to lead our house with the Word, in love.
We can’t lead our wife in love if all we are thinking about is ourselves.
The ultimate act of love is to lay one’s life down for another! Jesus did it for us, and so we too are to be willing to do the same for our wives.
In Ephesians, after we are told to honor one another, husbands are instructed to show their wives the same love that Christ showed us, in that we’d be willing to lay down our lives for our wives to protect and preserve them.
This sounds extreme but starts daily in your heart.
Ask yourself, everyday…
If you answered no to any of these questions, then I encourage you to get to work. Give yourself permission to do a truthful and honest self-examination around points 1 and 2. Then press into God’s Word, asking Him to reveal to you the things you need to change about yourself…then work hard to do it.
Believe me, you’ll be amazed at how the transformation in yourself will transform your wife and your marriage. I know because it is how God saved our marriage.
If you’re dying to be the best husband you can be but are having trouble dying to the world, yourself, or your wife, connect with us at www.threecordmarriage.com/contact and let us show you how we can help.
Often when Leslie and I share what we do, we’re met with the response…”oh, so you’re marriage counselors?!...” to which we reply, “no, we’re marriage coaches…”
To many, the two are often thought to be one and the same but they are actually quite different
The first thing that usually pops into people’s minds when they think about marriage counseling or coaching is a small room with a sofa, a chair, soft lighting, and a therapist sitting across from you and your spouse, asking a series of questions that will solve all of your marital problems and lead you to marital bliss until suddenly, your “hour is up” and you’re politely excused from the office. This may be what people experience in a marriage counseling session, but it is perhaps the farthest reality from what you’d experience in a great marriage coaching experience.
In our own personal walk to restoration, we saw a host of marriage counselors and the result was typically the same. We’d go for a session or two, the counselor would quickly determine that I was the one causing most of the problems, the sessions would become two against one, and after I had enough of being the bad guy, I’d stop going. In at least one instance, the healing advice given to Leslie was to leave me…WHAT?! Now, truth be told, everything the counselors said about me was right on, but it’s important to understand that when someone is in that denial mindset, pointing out all their problems to them typically results in the accused being defensive and ultimately is counterproductive to the restoration process.
It wasn’t until we met with someone that took the time to understand us both and look upon us with compassion that our healing was able to begin. This person realized that assigning blame was less important than getting us healthy, and to genuinely help us resolve our emotional and spiritual brokenness in a way that would enabl us to take responsibility for the pain and damage we caused without being made to feel “less than.” It was this coach, our cheerleader and encourager, that helped us to understand how to heal. They helped us to reaffirm our identities in Christ, rather than in a diagnosis. They helped us understand that God was the one who would ultimately provide the healing, if we let Him, and led us to shed the past pain and confusion by fostering a more intimate relationship with the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, by allowing themselves to be used by God, they were able to come alongside of us and be instrumental in our restoration.
It's by way of our victory that we’re able to experience and understand the vast differences between counseling and coaching…
One of the first things you need to understand is that, in our experience, counselors and coaches approach their client’s challenges from two different directions…the counselor from a clinical perspective, the coach from a life experience perspective.
Typically, a counselor will spend many years studying to understand the clinical perspective of mental illness and behavioral disorders so that they can meet with, recognize, identify, and diagnose those areas of mental/cognitive disorders to help treat an individual by therapy and/or medication (note this is something that a credible and ethical coach will explain they are not able to do). This is typically done in periodic, one-hour, sessions and/or via prescription.
On the other hand, since many marital issues aren’t caused by a severe mental or emotional disorder, the coach’s approach is different in that they aren’t looking to diagnose anything. They are looking to walk the couple into a better marriage with a foundation on the personal life lessons they learned through their own experience. It’s a book-smarts versus street-smarts comparison…a sharing of wisdom via a “been there, done that” process. The coaches will be living proof to the couple that there is a way to overcome the damaging effects of pornography, adultery, drugs, emotional abuse, etc. They will show them they can come out the other side of the trauma better and stronger than they ever were before. They walk beside a couple, giving them reassurance that they aren’t in this alone, it is worth the work, while giving them honest feedback, sometimes things you’d rather not hear. Ultimately, through it all, the hurting spouses can begin to rebuild their relationship with each other and, more importantly, the Holy Spirit. The Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit is the Counselor Jesus asked to be sent by God to teach us all we need to know (John 14:26). It is in that rebirthed relationship with the Spirit where the couple is given the revelation and knowledge necessary for healing and restoration to occur.
Another significant difference between counseling and coaching is in its timing.
As was mentioned earlier, we’ve been through our share of counseling prior to getting a coach and, if you’ve ever seen a counselor before, one of the aspects that has become the punch line to several jokes is based in truth. Just as you may be headed to breakthrough or, finally feeling enough confidence to open up, you’re suddenly made aware that your time is up.
Now understand, this isn’t a slam on counselors, it just happens to be the nature of the business. Like any healthcare professional, they need to hold to a schedule, or their practice will soon get away from them. The challenge with that is the healing you were intended to get during that session may have been just on the other side of an hour…
Coaching, on the other hand, is intended to be personal and specific to the couple allowing for greater flexibility and opportunity for breakthrough. For example, although coaches are not necessarily available at every instant of every day, and do have set schedules, there is a greater opportunity for connection, dialog, and mentorship within their programs. Coaching doesn’t stop after an hour and typically includes other touch points between meetings. Zoom trainings, group sessions, increased availability through texting, email and phone calls, and retreats may be a few of those opportunities.
It's worthy to note here, especially since we are talking about people working with people whose marriages and emotions may not be in the best of places, that any credible coaching team like Three Cord Marriage will have zero tolerance rules, processes, and a personal code of ethics that prevent any direct or indirect individual male/female, coach and client contact through any of its connection points. Healthy boundaries are necessary for healing.
And finally, one of the greatest contributors to a couple’s victory in marriage is found within their support community.
Although both counselors and coaches are held to the highest standards of confidentiality, a counselor is typically not able to interact with their clients outside the confines of their office. I’ve personally heard of stories where a counselor all but had to ignore one of their clients when they ran into them out in public to prevent an inadvertent breach of confidentiality.
Knowing the value that fellowship and community contributed to the resurrection of our marriage, it is part of our programs we encourage, and even facilitate. Having relationship with those that can encourage you, celebrate you, and share the love of Christ with you, is paramount!
The strengthening and restoration of your marriage is vital to your family, your community, and ultimately, your nation…and this is why Three Cord Marriage exists!
We were called to became marriage coaches so that we could be used to lead other hurting couples to the same victory that God gave to us and, we know firsthand the benefit coaching provided us over traditionally counseling.
So if you believe that marital coaching is something that would benefit your marriage, your family, and your legacy, reach out, take action, and either click the link or email us at info@threecordmarriage.com and let’s get started.
Blessings,
Raymond (& Leslie)
Image by wayhomestudio on Freepik
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